Fangirling Chinese Novels

You Are Still Here (原来你还在这里) – Chapter 40



How much can a person take before she breaks?

Chapter 40

Yun Jin made a quick stop at the Human Resource department before heading to Xu Zhi Heng’s office to complete the necessary paperwork. Ever since her hospitalisation four years earlier, she had yet to utilise any public holiday or annual leave so Xu Zhi Heng gave her a generous fifteen day leave readily.

Just as she was about to leave his office, he asked in genuine concern “Yun Jin is everything alright? If you need any help, please feel free to ask.”

Yun Jin laid her hand on the handle and forced a smile “Thank you for approving my leave.”

She took the midnight flight back to her hometown. When Yun Jin alighted, she made a beeline for the provincial hospital. When she neared the ward, she noticed her uncle immediately; he looked as though he had aged overnight.

“Yun Jin, you’re finally back …” he only managed to choke out that much before breaking into heaving sobs.

“What’s the situation like?” She couldn’t even recognize her own voice at this point.

“The doctor said it’s a relapse and that the cancerous cells have metastasized to the other organs. It’s now end-stage cancer; chemotherapy won’t be of any help.”

She should have guessed as much. In the recent years, her mother had been feeling unwell intermittently. Yun Jin often encouraged her to go for a check-up but her mother had steadfastly refused – her reasoning was even if the cancer didn’t kill her, the anxiety would so she would rather remain in oblivion. Her mother said bravely that she was grateful for every new day she was able to live. Perhaps, deep down, her mother had already suspected her condition had worsened.

Yun Jin pushed the door open to enter the ward; her hand was just as cold as the metal handle.

She wanted desperately for someone to tell her that she had entered the wrong room.  Who was this cachectic, white-haired woman? How could it be her beautiful mother? Yun Jin sat at her bedside and bit down hard on her quivering lip to stop herself from crying.

“Mom …” she couldn’t help but call out softly although she was afraid of waking up the other sleeping patients.

Her mother opened her eyes slowly. When she saw it was Yun Jin, her bleary eyes flashed with joy before turning into sorrow.

“Yun Jin … You’re here … You’ve come at the right time, I just dreamt of your dad. He was confronting me … He reminded me that I once promised to spend my life only with him … Yun Jin, he was upset with me …”

Yun Jin wanted to hold her mother’s hand in hers but she was thwarted by the many plugs and tubings. Her voice trembled as she replied “Daddy wouldn’t blame you, he won’t … Doctor, Doctor! …” Her mother’s face suddenly contorted in pain so Yun Jin yelled towards the door. Her uncle and the doctor rushed in together but they were soon ushered outside.

Not much time had gone by but to Yun Jin and her uncle who were waiting outside, it had felt like an eternity.

When the doctor emerged, Yun Jin rushed forward “Doctor, how’s my mother?”

“I’m not optimistic about the patient’s condition. You should be mentally prepared.”

“Save her. Please, I beg you. No matter the cost, please save her.” Yun Jin choked out as she pleaded earnestly.

“Be rest assured, we will try our best for every patient.” The doctor was expressionless as he gave his standard, professional reply. Yun Jin watched the doctor depart before suddenly collapsing onto a seat. Indeed, to every patient’s kith and kin, the sick person lying in the ward was a loved one. However, to a doctor, it was just another patient.

“Uncle, you should go home and rest. I’ll be here.” Yun Jin wiped her face with her hand and forced herself to calm down. Uncle was already reduced into a sobbing mess, she couldn’t collapse too. No, she had to hang in there cause only then could she give her mother the best care.

The subsequent days were a nightmare. Her mother was warded in a three-bedded room. There was a shortage of beds so relatives of patients could only sleep on the long benches outside the wards. In the end, Yun Jin gave the doctor a generous tip which led to the nurses erecting a simple foldable bed by her mother’s bedside. In this manner, she and her uncle took alternate turns at spending the night in the hospital.

The other patients in the same ward were also terminally ill. The patient is the nearest bed was diagnosed with end-stage liver cancer which had acted up the night before causing him to moan relentlessly throughout the night. Her mother found it difficult to fall asleep and she woke up at the slightest sound. Her rest was disturbed at night due to the sick neighbour and it was no better in the day due to the endless stream of visitors. A good sleep was now a luxury. Her condition was fast going downhill.

That wasn’t even the worst thing. The patient nearest the window, who had been worst off amongst the three, had breathed his last. Her mother had been woken up in the middle of the night by the loud sobbing of the relatives and had witnessed the patient’s body being wheeled out on a gurney under a white sheet. She clutched at Yun Jin fearfully till the tips of her fingers turned white and her nails dug into Yun Jin’s flesh. But by the second day, another terminally ill patient had already taken up the previous spot.

Once again, Yun Jin pleaded desperately with the doctor. She was willing to fork out any sum to get her mother admitted into a single room. She had even tipped the doctor generously many occasions but she always received the same reply that he couldn’t help the current situation. Her mother was deteriorating by the day. Now, she was mostly delirious and would chatter nonsense. She was also unable to keep any food down as she vomited any food ingested. Even the nurses were shaking their heads at her state.

Yun Jin stayed by her mother’s side all day and she hated herself for being so useless. She was about to lose all hope when the consultant suddenly informed her that the hospital had just discharged a patient and so a single room was now vacant and available. Yun Jin was overjoyed. Together with her uncle, they helped to transfer her mother to the other room the very same day.

Although a change in environment did not improve her mother’s condition but it couldn’t be denied that at the very least, it was much cleaner. On the ninth day of Yun Jin’s return, her mother’s mental state suddenly improved in the new room. She was exceptionally alert and no longer jabbered incoherently. Even her eyes were clearer and brighter. She was heartbroken at the sight of her daughter’s fatigued appearance and she struggled to say “Yun Jin, it’s been hard on you …”

At that, Yun Jin’s tears welled up though she forced herself to keep them in as she nodded continuously.  Her mother then closed her eyes and spoke almost in a whisper “I’ve thought it through. It’s all good now. I’ve seen your dad, he’s coming to get me … Down there, your father is waiting for me. Up here, your uncle is crying for me. I am content …”

That night, at five in the morning, her mother breathed her last. Yun Jin discovered her mother’s hand was particularly cool before uncle dragged her away. She stood in the corridor as she watched the nurses wheel her mother away covered in the white sheet. She wanted to chase after them but her legs were heavy as lead. She gripped the edges of the benches for support as she slowly squatted. She could hear the noise from the wheels getting further and fainter until it was no more …

She didn’t know how long she had been in that position but morning gradually dawned. Eventually, people came to speak to her but whatever was said, she could neither hear it nor remember it. All she wanted was to curl up in this position alone forever.

Even when a pair of arms rested on her shoulders, she didn’t look up. That person was unlike the others who left after a while. That person also lowered himself and held her foetal-like position in his embrace. She remembered this familiar embrace. She allowed that person to support her full body weight. Eventually she heard him say gently “Yun Jin, let it out.”

In the four years she had never once cried. Even when the doctor had personally told her the child was no more and there would never be another child, she had not cried. While caring for her mother over this period, no matter how tough it was on her physically and emotionally, she had kept her tears in. Why had she been so stoical and independent when all she really wanted was a set of shoulders to cry on?

She turned her head and buried her face in the curve of his neck. Initially she wept silently but eventually she was sobbing loudly “I no longer have a mother. I’ve lost my father and my child. I have nothing left. This is Heaven’s punishment for me. Everyone I love has left me!”

“But I won’t,” Cheng Zheng responded as he patted her back reassuringly “Even though I’m unsure if you still love me.”

Yun Jin didn’t reply as she continued to weep.

29 thoughts on “You Are Still Here (原来你还在这里) – Chapter 40

  1. Wow thank you so much for the update! Poor Yun Jin… Always suffering 😦

    Looks like Cheng Zeng is back for good!

  2. This chapter was so heavy but I felt like I’ve seen light at the end of a dark tunnel, since the novel only has 4 chapters left. I hope loose ends are tied up and misunderstandings are sorted out. I also hope the OTP realise their love and come to a happy conclusion. Thank you yingniang

    • Yes it was pretty dreary wasn’t it? :/ While I’m neutral concerning a happy ending, I do hope they thrash things out and have a proper conversation at least.

      You’re welcome ^ ^

  3. A sad chapter. I feel sorry for Yun Jin but I am relieved that Cheng Zheng is back.
    Again, thank you Yingniang🌹 for the fastest update ever. You are the best! Can’t wait for more!

  4. This looks so sad. When I lost my dad, I cried myself to sleep every night for a year. I can’t imagine losing both parents and going through such a devastating miscarriage alone. It’s time for her to let CZ into her life completely. Obviously, they both love each other very much. In order for her to be happy, she needs to take a risk and learn to trust and be vulnerable. CZ has shown that he will be there for her forever.

    Thank you for your speedy and super addicting translations! It looks like the next chapter is an important one for the development of their relationship.

    • I’m so sorry to hear that Lily. I hope you’re feeling much better now. *hugs*

      I’d say … chapter 42 is more crucial than 41 😉 Thanks for following the story so closely! 🙂

  5. Love is blind for this CZ.. Cant help!
    Im glas that in this chapter i could see YJ’s human side.. Good for both of them.. 🙂
    So Yu Jin-ah, dont let this guy go! Put him on your pocket! 😀

    Thank you dor translating! I just cant wait for next chapter and the happy ending story! Yattaaaa!!!

  6. Thank you for the chapter. Such speedy translation skills. 😀
    This chapter is somber.
    It’s heartbreaking to lose one of your parent, child, and then your other parent. Cancer… is vicious.
    Sudden changes to a family member is rather shocking. Although I have not experience losing the other parent or having miscarriage, I understand the bleak state Yu Jin must have felt in this chapter.
    Thus, I really really hope that things turn bright and lighthearted between Yu Jin and Cheng Zheng.
    It seems that Cheng Zheng can be a pillar of emotional support for Yu Jin if things go well.

  7. Wow, this is one of the more heartbreaking chapters I have read ever. The way the oncology patients had to share a room, and then witness their neighbor being wheeled out covered in a white sheet… That is almost a sort of mental torture, seeing death take away someone who was just alive moments ago, fearing that the next day you will be that person being wheeled away. How can any dying patient spend the last days of his or her life that way and expect to have any will to continue living the little time he or she has left? Such is how the poor are treated. I bet the tips Yun Jin keeps giving to the doctors are nothing but spare change to them, not even enough to buy a good dinner, and that is why she could not get a private room for her mother. If she were wealthy, she would have been treated differently. Money cannot buy everything, but it sure can buy ALMOST everything. 😦 With Cheng Zheng appearing suspiciously at the hospital just when Yun Jin needed him the most, I would not be surprised that he had bribed the hospital staff with a hefty sum to get Yun Jin’s mother that private room. Money can move mountains, and Cheng Zheng’s family has money AND influence.

  8. Wow, I think Cheng Zheng is the real deal. Despite his bad temper and rashness, he is there when Yun Jin needs him (other than that one time when she needed to share the burden of her grief about losing their baby with him). I tentatively place my bets on a happy ending, because Cheng Zheng obviously still loves Yun Jin very much, has never stopped loving her, in fact. A love that can survive the test of separation, loss, and the intrusion of third parties (Zheng Xiao Tong and Supervisor Xu) will definitely last forever if both parties still love each other enough to fight for their love. This reminds me of some sappy love song lyrics… No matter how violent the storm, I will weather it with you, hand in hand, till the end of time, for you calm the tempest within me and shine light on my life. (I made that up. There are no such song lyrics. Ha.)

    • Haha! I was actually trying to place the song till I read your last sentence.

      While not much has been said about Yun Jin’s pay and financial situation, I’d say she’s doing relatively well if she can support her step-sister’s tertiary education, her step-father’s business as well as the ability to buy her own property. But it’s undeniable that Cheng Zheng’s family wields much influence. 😦

      Their not loving their new partners enough does say something about them but it doesn’t have to lead to them being together. I think both need to exorcise the demons of their past.

      Thank you for reading! 🙂

    • Melanie, you are too funny >> About the song lyrics, lol.

  9. Poor Yu Jin 😦 Let’s just hope this is the end of all her heartbreak and suffering. It’s time for her and Cheng Zheng to heal and with four more chapters to go, nothing else can go wrong. Right?

    Also, “She was about to lose all hope when the consultant suddenly informed her that the hospital had just discharged a patient and so a single room was now vacant and available.” Ha! I am not buying it! I’ll bet it was Cheng Zheng flexing some of that family muscle (money) that got her mom into a single room. Now, that’s what I call love, going that extra mile for those you love and cherish without ever wanting or needing credit.

    Anyway, as I’ve said before, no more heartbreak or suffering – it’s time to heal!

    As always, thanks yingniang for the speedy translations. xD

  10. Thanks yingniang for the translations! I really sincerely hope that YJ finally accepts and lets her pride down so that both of them will finally heal and be able to experience the good aspects of their love. Still hoping for a good ending. Hopefully it goes the way I want it to.

  11. He’s always her savior .. ❤

    Thank you so much for translating this novel Yingniang! Such a great story!

  12. Pingback: [SPOLIER] For Those Interested in Reading the C-Novels Kris is Adapting in Movies | Exo(tic) Planet

  13. SYJ has gone through a lot of suffering, she needs a break……

  14. Oh my god this chapter made me cry …

  15. I feel bad for su yun jin. Poor girl. She went through so much.

  16. She went through so much 😢 Glad that Cheng Zheng were there for her at her lowest point in her life. She had no one left at this point. But Cheng Zheng willing to stay by her side, perhaps until forever if she allowed him to.

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