Silent Separation (何以笙箫默) – Gu Man (Epilogue 1.1)

September 11, 2014 by peanuts 21 Comments

This is the first epilogue which is written from Yi Mei’s perspective. Nonetheless it’ll still give you an insight into the relationship between Yi Chen and Mo Sheng.  The epilogue is quite poignant about Yi Mei’s unrequited love for Yi Chen. Because the female lead of this novel is Mo Sheng, so you’ll ship her with Yi Chen but normally you’ll root for the girl who’ve always harbored a secret crush on the male lead since young and wish they can end up together.

Epilogue 1.1: Yi Mei’s Chapter – A Person’s Flower Bloomed (translated by peanuts & edited by lidge)

When I was nine years old, brother Yi Chen, who lived next door, became my brother.

I was very happy and leaning in my mother’s arm, I asked her: “Mum, is brother Yi Chen going to live in our house and not go back in the future?”

Mum hugged me and said: ” Yes, does Yi Mei like it or not?”

“I like it.” I nodded energetically to express my joy, but I didn’t understand why my mother seemed so sad.

Having a brother such as Yi Chen was a very impressive thing, as the classmates would be envious and sometimes the teacher would treat you favorably. When I entered junior high school, the teacher looked at the attendance rollbook and asked me: “Do you know He Yi Chen?”

I nodded: “He is my brother.”

“Oh, I taught him when he was in his first year in junior high school. I am rather fated with both of you siblings.” The teacher chuckled, “Since the school’s new term has just started, you will be the class monitor for the time being. The older brother was so competent, the sister should not be bad.”

Gradually among the students, they knew that I am “He Yi Chen’s” sister. Slowly, some female students began to make indirect, discreet inquiries: “He Yi Mei, did your brother mention any girls in front of you?”

“No.” I always gave this reply.

“Oh, did you know that Yin Li Min from Class 3 likes your brother ……”

Girls of this age seemed to be particularly interested in this kind of thing of “who likes who.” There were already several girls who told me “which girls like your brother.” This kind of secret and every time the persons who liked my brother were different.

There seemed to be a lot of girls in school who really liked Yi Chen, but he seemed not to feel anything at all.

Once, when I asked him some questions, I pretended to casually ask: “Brother, do you have a girl you like? There are many girls in my class who like you.”

“No.” He replied, without a care in the world. Then, he lowered his head to concentrate on helping me to solve some questions, not even a bit curious as to which girls liked him.

That afternoon, I looked at his elegant and handsome profile, my heart suddenly felt a kind of happiness I could not understand.

---

When I finished high school, Yi Chen passed his university entrance exam for C University and went away to A City, which is very far away for me at that time.

I was not used to having one less person at home, suddenly it seemed empty. During dinner, my mother reflexively filled four bowls of rice, then remembered Yi Chen was not there and poured it back.

My heart felt unsettled and I vowed at the dinner table: “I also want to pass the university entrance exam to study in C University.”

My dad started to laugh: “Good, Yi Mei is so ambitious.”

But what was the use of just being ambitious? My grades were reasonably good but not good enough to be admitted to C University in spite of working hard for a year. In the end, when I filled in my aspiration, I applied for N University.

When Yi Chen found out on the phone that I applied for N University, he was startled and said, “Yi Mei, you can apply for a better university.”

But none closer to you, I quietly thought in my heart.

However, when I attended university in September, I came to understand that God’s plans supersede one’s best laid plans: no matter how much one plans things out, life always intervenes. To my surprise, my faculty was located on the outskirt of the campus, about two hours drive from C University, which is in the city center.

Consequently, we could only meet during winter and summer vacations like before.

During the winter vacation when I was a freshman, I met Zhao Mo Sheng.

---

I still remembered that day, I went with Yi Chen together to buy things needed for Lunar New Year.

Lunar New Year was approaching so the streets were filled with many people and it was noisy. I clearly heard someone calling Yi Chen’s name so I turned around to see a girl running from across the road.

That was the first time I saw Zhao Mo Sheng. This person who later would entangle with Yi Chen for a lifetime.

At that time, my first impression of her was fluffiness.

A fluffy girl.

A white wool hat, wrapped in a thick wool scarf around the white shag line, leaving only a pair of dark eyes visible, her eye twinkling with flowing light and overflowing color, looking very pleasant and cute.

Oh, there were also the furry paws, holding onto Yi Chen’s arm. She cheerfully and lightheartedly said: “Yi Chen, I knew I would see you here. I knew it!”

She was holding onto Yi Chen’s arm and chatted excitedly for a while before noticing I was standing by the side. She appeared a little puzzled, looked at me, then looked at Yi Chen.

Then, I heard Yi Chen immediately explain: “This is my sister, He Yi Mei.”

I recalled I also ran into Yi Chen’s female classmates before when we went shopping together. Sometimes, those female students would also be overly enthusiastic in approaching us, then looked at me dubiously and said: “Hey, Yi Chen, this can’t be your girlfriend, right?”

Yi Chen’s eyes would reveal his displeasure, then those female classmates would tactfully not make this kind of joke anymore.

He had never explained so anxiously before.

After she heard what was said, she immediately smiled, looked a little pleased at me and said: “Hello! My name is Zhao Mo Sheng, your brother’s girlfriend!”

For a split second, my train of thought went blank, and I completely did not know how to react, I could only stare blankly at her.

She seemed to be scared by my reaction and did not know what to do so she immediately turned around and looked at Yi Chen.

Yi Chen pulled away her hand and reprimanded her: “You dashed around madly just now, didn’t you see the red light?”

“Oh.” After experiencing a setback, her mood immediately became downcast. She lowered her head and kicked at the paving slabs, “I was too happy because I did not really expect to see you. You refused to give me your home phone number so I’ve no options but to walk around on the streets to try my luck. I have already been wandering on the streets for several days ……”

The more she talked, the lower her voice. All of a sudden, she ruthlessly stepped on Yi Chen’s foot, turned around and ran away: “I’m leaving.”

Yi Chen was probably stunned by her stamping as he stood still without moving so I pulled at him: “Let’s go.”

After taking two steps, he turned his head around so I also followed his gaze to look backward. That girl was looking at us from a distant. When she saw us looking at her, she seemed to panic for a moment. Then, she pretended to be calm, turned around and walked away.

I clearly felt Yi Chen was a bit stiff, a kind of mood I’ve never seen before flashed in his eyes. Then, he put down the bag he was holding.

“Yi Mei, you wait for me for a while.” He did not wait for me to answer but took a step to chase after her.

It seemed I’ve only waited for about ten minutes, but every second felt very long.

When he came back, I casually asked him: “Yi Chen, didn’t you say before that you don’t intend to find a girlfriend in university?”

“Ah.”

“But ……” Just a moment ago, the way you acted obviously conveyed your tacit acknowledgement.

“It’s because I……” He sighed, “She is extremely clingy.”

Previously, there were also a lot of girls who took the initiative so maybe this one was especially clingy. With such a thought, I seemed to find an excuse to justify my bad impression of that girl.

Many years later when I recalled this scene, only then would I remembered the things that I’ve deliberately ignored such as when saying those words, Yi Chen’s eyes had a faint smile.

---

I felt unhappy celebrating this Lunar New Year. After the Lunar New Year, when university started, I was given a pleasant surprise. This happened after I knew Yi Chen had a girlfriend so I was not sure if this could still be considered a nice surprise.

Finally, our entire business school moved to the main campus, which was separated from C University by only a street.

Zhao Mo Sheng and I became so-called “good friends” according to her.

While walking in C University, she often held my hand with one hand and clasped Yi Chen’s arm with her other hand: “Yi Chen, you walk a little slower since Yi Mei can’t keep up.”

Yi Chen probably couldn’t take it anymore: “If you don’t hold onto her, she will be able to walk quicker.”

She turned to look at me with grievance: “Yi Mei, you are so gentle and soft, but why is your brother so fierce? Both of you, brother and sister have very different personality and also look different. Is it because one takes after the father and the other is like the mother?”

I looked doubtfully at Yi Chen and caught sight of his unnatural look for a split second, which immediately returned to normal.

Yi Chen had never mentioned personal stuff to her! I immediately made this judgement, my mood inexplicably improved.

I was the only one who knew this secret.

I did not know what I was thinking, but gradually, we became closer. She also started to enjoy dragging me to go shopping with her and called me to say some things which “Yi Chen would be too slow-witted to understand.”

When it was my birthday, she wanted to give me a birthday cake. Hence, she took me to the cake shop and asked me what flavor I liked. I said: “Chocolate.”

Her face immediately had a big smile and she happily held my hand: “I also like chocolate. Yi Mei, we’ve similar taste.”

What similar taste, I merely saw her looking covertly at the chocolate cake a few times.

How she treated me, it could be considered very good.

Most of the time,  I was her life-saver.

For example, like right now.

“Yi Mei, I am in big trouble because I only got 59 marks on my English test.” The voice over the phone was very dispirited.

I comforted her, but my heart felt very upset. So many girls who were very good in English and who were very good in their studies liked Yi Chen, but why did he choose Mo Sheng?

“I am dead meat, as Yi Chen will certainly scold me.” She said in a very depressed mood.

Should just dump you!

Such a notion flashed through my mind like lightning. I was frightened by such train of thought, as how could I have such an evil thought?

“How many marks did you get?” She asked me.

“87 marks.”

“So awesome to get such outstanding result. Yi Mei, you are too amazing.” She said excitedly, “Oh, that’s right, Yi Chen also achieved outstanding result in Level 6 English. Let’s have dinner together tonight to celebrate both of you scoring so high, two out of three, we won!” Her voice didn’t sound upset over her poor marks anymore.

During dinner, Yi Chen really didn’t look good, not even a bit happy for achieving such outstanding result in Level 6 English. I could more or less understand his feelings. He was the one who tutored Zhao Mo Sheng in English, but she did so poorly now. My brother, who always is a perfectionist, probably felt more of a failure than Zhao Mo Sheng.

I naturally helped Zhao Mo Sheng to say a few good words such as this was the first time she took the test and so on, in spite of my disapproval.

After Yi Chen looked a little more at ease, she only dared to complain in a low voice: “I really dislike English, the rules are not in order. Anyway, I don’t need to go abroad in the future, so learn this for what……”

Several years later when recalling Mo Sheng’s words, it seems life can be so unpredictable that it’s hard to say what would happen later.

---

After dinner and strolling for a while, I felt like going home. When I was walking pass C University gate, I only remembered the reference materials Yi Chen had helped me to borrow were put into Mo Sheng’s bag for convenient sake.

The materials were needed for class tomorrow, so I decided to go back to get them.

In order to be quicker, I took a shortcut via a quiet garden to get there.

The quiet garden was C University’s well-known couple garden. Although I was mentally prepared I might run into a few lovebirds, I was nevertheless shocked to see a couple who was so engrossed in kissing to be oblivious to their surrounding.

I felt embarrassed, so I walked at the side and turned the corner into a bypath to avoid them.

This route was more quiet. I already started to feel a little regret for taking the shortcut and merely wanted to bow my head and pass through the quiet garden quickly. However, while I was walking past a few big rocks, my footsteps inexplicably stopped. As if being driven by something, I turned my head and looked over at the rocks.

Under the dim and faint moonlight, he was hugging her, she was sitting on his lap and he was kissing her.

---

That night, I dreamed of Yi Chen.

Some confusing and disjointed scenarios. A bridge archway we used to pass when we returned from school as kids, Yi Chen and I sheltering from the rain under the bridge archway, then suddenly we were at home. That breezy afternoon, he was listening to the English language lessons with his eyes closed. Initially I wanted to ask him some questions, but I ended up standing at the doorway for a long time, staring in a daze at him ……

Finally, I stood in the alley in the quiet garden again, looking at her snuggled up to him, her head resting against his chest, she grabbed and played with his fingers, he let her indulged in it and they were so quiet around each other, not even a sound.  A moment later, he was a little impatient and turned his hands to grab her into his arms, lowered his head and kissed her gently once again.

……

Thus, for the first time, I realized that you could actually feel heartache in a dream and it could be so painful to the extent of waking you up.